8/28/2003 @ 10:49p.m.

Yes, that’s right. Today has been mostly a “Spinnin’ Wheel” Day. (Old Blood, Sweat, and Tears song…if you don’t know it, you should) I’m believing more and more that men go through some type of “cycle” just like women do every month. Perhaps it’s the moon’s gravitational pull. Perhaps it’s the closeness of Mars. Perhaps it’s the 36 oz. of Italian Roast coffee. Perhaps it’s the secret black box government mind control tests. I don’t know. All I know is that sometimes I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. Content one moment and cranky the next; much like my little Goddaughter. I’m learning so much about myself from her. I never would have guessed that I would see more of the Truth from a 4 week old baby. I’m beginning to see the great blessing in having children. Not sure if I’m ready for my own yet…

Tess cries one moment, eats the next, and then goes to sleep…not much different from most adults I know; just a lot less complicated. I suppose not much different than me. 🙂 (Except for the complicated part of course.)Which, begs the question: Why does she seem so content, and I seem so unsatisfied? With some thinking, I believe that I am starting to understand Christ’s words, “…you must become like little children…” When I look into Tessa’s eyes, I see complete humility & meekness, simple trust, unconditional love, and deep serenity. She trusts me completely, and without question. There is no hint of doubt in her eyes. She looks at me when I hold her with this love that permeates the cloud that hangs on my heart, and I know that her love for me is not dependent on the fact that I’m holding her, becuase I see it everytime she gazes at me. And the peace in that gaze…good Lord! How I long to be wrapped in that! To be held in the love and peace that I see there in her eyes.

What is it then that happens to us; to me. To go from that to this; from peace to fear; from trust to doubt. Why do I wrap myself up in all the cares of this world? Why do I buy from the brokers of lies? Why do I believe the lie that I am alone in this world; that no one is out there? Why, when I have the unconditional love of The Lover, do I let myself feel rejected and unworthy? Why can’t I just simply TRUST in that Love? I mean, Jesus came to ME, Luke, and I still feel alone!!! I see now why I need to go back, in a sense. If it’s true that, because of the Lie and ultimately our choice, the world is upside down, then the path of wisdom lies in becoming a child again. So, I suppose it’s true that everything I ever needed to know, I learned in kindergarten. Or, perhaps even sooner. Perhaps I was born with everything I needed to know, and I’ve just chosen to forget it. Scary thought. I’m born with the knowledge of God, all the trust and grace I’ll ever need, and yet now, 25 years later, I’ve got to work hard just to remember that I’m still His.

So how does it end then? The more I get the blessing of holding little Tess, the more I think I understand. Everything Jesus ever said was so simple that “even” children could understand it. I (and most likely all adults) add on the “even” to the children. As if we really ever understand. Yet, for all of the things our Lord said, so many of the “intellectuals” of the time had absolutely NO idea what he meant. The children seemed to get it just fine! I think Solomon summed it up best by saying, “I’ve found that God created us to be very simple; and we have made ourselves very complicated.” Look at the troubles that divide humanity; war, racism, greed, power, sex, etc. A child cares for none of it! She learn’s to care about it. We, in all of our wisdom, raise kids to be “adults” and to think “maturely” on their own. We teach them to fear. “Be careful! Watch out! That choice may lead you to suffering. You don’t want to hurt do you?” “Make sure you keep your grades up.” “You want to go to college and be “successful” don’t you?” “Make sure you don’t get married until you’re out of college and have a stable job; You’re not old enough to make good decisions yet.” and on and on and on. The sad thing is, this permeates the Church as well. For instance, “You can go to church camp as long as you won’t get kicked off the football team for missing practice.” “No, you can’t quit school for a semester and go on a missions trip! Do you want to throw away the best years of your life?” “Your ball games are on Sundays? Well, I guess we’ll just have to miss church for a few weeks.” We teach our kids that what matters most isn’t knowing God and living a life of love; it’s getting a good education so that they can have a great career that will provide them with a stable future so that they won’t have to suffer. They learn to distrust God, and then are robbed of wonder. Life becomes so regimented that it loses all sense of awe. Is it any suprise then that suicide is the number one killer of adolescents? Then, after telling them all this, we read them scripture and tell them that God should be most important in our lives. It’s a double standard. Why do we look suprised then when less and less of todays youth desire to serve the Lord in ministry? Why do we water down the Gospel until it just becomes a nice “idea?” Rich Mullins says, “Christianity is not about building a perfect little niche in the world, where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little kids in your perfect little house, where there are no gays or minority groups around you.”

I wholeheartedly agree, and I can only pray that as I am transformed into being God’s in the measure He so desires, that I will pass on to my God-daughter, and eventually (God-willing) my own kids a sense of the wonder and awe that He has bestowed upon me. I can teach them to laugh and love all of their lives, and by my example to remember that living a life of love is more important than living a life of limited liabilities. Perhaps, in doing this, I will remember what it was like to love unconditionally and without fear of rejection, and finally acquire inner peace and complete trust in the all sufficient Grace of God. All I know is that I see Him in little Tessa’s eyes, and I never want to look away. That’s contentment! Glory to God for All Things!