Well, these are classics… Hope they make you cry. Cheers!
No Brains Windows Media
Spirit is Moving Windows Media
Fresh Baked Bread Must have Real Player. Save to disk; then open. It’s worth it!
Sound of Abundance Real Video
Feeling Deep Down Inside Me Real Video
Sound of Abundance II Real Video
Ok, so it’s been the usual month since I’ve posted. Wow, sad. I hope to find some sense of normalcy in about 3 weeks, and the chance to post more often. Janna and I have been somewhat in a state of constant “flux” for about 6 months now; from living with our good friends Eric and Carrie in Greenville, IL, to living with our priest and his family, we are starting to feel like vagabonds or perhaps nomads. However, we will soon be back in our own house, with our own stuff, and are very excited. Half of our stuff is stored at my folks house, so it will be like Christmas when we go get it, because we have no idea what’s there. 🙂 Anyway…
I thought I’d put in a little plug for our summer camp, and lay a few thoughts out on the table. First off, the camp is August 1-6, and I’m getting all geared up for it. Our board has performed remarkably as always, and have been more support and help than I could ever hope for. We’ve hired a staff of 20 people, mostly younger college-age young adults, which is a little frightening, but at the same time is a real blessing. They are my closest friends, and despite all the weaknesses that course through their flaming youth (just as it did and still does mine) I know that they love the Lord more than life itself, and are coming because they want to share that with this group of about 50 kids who need to see the Love of God more than anything. I am so thankful for each of them! So, for all who read this, I would ask that you pray specifically for the 50 kids and 20 staff who will make up St. John’s Summer Camp next week. Pray for protection, mercy, grace, and peace. There are a number of kids who will be coming who are really hurting, and I pray that their hearts will be touched, and perhaps they’ll make the decision to “put off the old man” just as so many of us did so long ago…perhaps at Summer Camp. Thank you in advance for your prayers!
Now, on to the thoughts… I mentioned above that Janna and I feel like vagabonds, and although that feeling can be very disconcerting, I think that it has also been a blessing. I’ve been reminded often this last year of the scriptures and hence the song by Rich Mullins called “You Did Not Have A Home” about Jesus. Scripture says:
Luke 9:57-62 As they went on their way, a man said to Jesus, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lie down and rest.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But that man said, “Sir, first let me go back and bury my father.” Jesus answered, “Let the dead bury their own dead. You go and proclaim the Kingdom of God.” Someone else said, “I will follow you, sir; but first let me go and say good-bye to my family.” Jesus said to him, “Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the Kingdom of God.”
So, my point in all of this is that maybe it’s not so bad to feel homeless. I feel that way most of the time. I’m sure I border dangerously on sounding like a crackpot, but the way I really feel most of the time is this deep longing to pull back the curtain; like there’s this very thin veil that separates this life and this earth from what real life and real earth look like. I am constantly filled with a longing, or perhaps even an aching to be able to see everything as it really is. Janna and I were riding back from Oliver Winery last Sunday, after having a farewell winery trip for Ange, and suddenly I just lost it. I mean, there I was, wearing my gargantuan blueblockers, and dumbfounded and dumbstruck I found myself just weeping silently. And Janna turns and like the wonderful wife she is, she asks, “What’s wrong? What are you thinking about?” The funny thing is, I was having really happy thoughts at the time. But they were primarily about the early EOC days, and even more so about the whole Jesus movement. I was thinking about the innocence and purity of an entire generation coming to Jesus, and something about the music that was playing in my head seemed to trigger this outpouring of tears. I wept because as we were driving up 37, looking on all of that beauty that the Lord created, I got this overwhelming aching in my heart and soul to just be There. All of the memories I have, all of the old movies I’ve watched or books I’ve read about different periods in the Church’s life, and all I could see around me was all of that disappearing. You know, kind of like when the Elves are leaving Middle Earth and sailing into the West. It’s beautiful, but there’s this overwhelming sadness that so much Light and Beauty is going out of the world. And while I’m just sitting there with all of this gratitude and grief, sorrow and joy welling up inside of me, I once again have this old feeling that there’s just this thin “layer” that separates us from Reality. And it wasn’t that I was longing for it to be “like it used to” or anything, I just had this sense of innocence lost, and the dark getting even darker. Kind of like King Theodon says in LOTR, “What can men do against such wreckless hatred?” I can’t describe it better than that, and if I try any harder, the men in the white coats will most likely be paying me a visit soon.
So what’s my point? Well, like I said before, I think it’s ok to feel homeless. I’ve got more good friends and am more blessed with love and beauty in this life than I could ever have hoped for, and yet, I still feel lonely at times; kind of like I just don’t quite fit here. But, that longing always brings me back to God, because I know that’s what I ache for: to be Home. I’m only 26, and already I’m tired. I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of the fight. I’m tired of sin. I’m tired of death. I’m tired of the devil. But even so, there’s so much beauty here as well. It’s so good here at times! I love this life so much, and there’s so much left to see and do before I die. And above all, there’s my beautiful and loving bride whome I can’t imagine life without. In the end, I suppose Jesus was homeless because what other home could he have? This life is good, but it is fleeting. The world is dying. Evil is becoming more evil, and I fear that the good things of this Earth are slowly passing away into the abyss of sin and death, and I grieve. I know I’m not done yet, and there’s so much work to do, but all the same I ache for the day when I’m Home. I catch glimpses here and there; in the glimmer of radiance in the eyes of my wife, in the beauty of the Sanctuary, and in the love of friends and family. And I know that while I often feel alone, the Lord is always here, and I find the most comfort in that He makes His home in my heart. And so there is where my deepest longings lie, and there is where my tears begin to well up, because I think sometimes that when we weep, it is because the Holy Spirit is filling our lives and God Himself weeps as well for that which He loves so much. I figure He knows what it’s like to be lonely here, and he knows what wretched creatures we are, and yet He chooses to walk among us, to die for us, and ultimately to dwell within us. So I will continue to ache and to grieve, to long and to love, to live and to die; to live with a reckless abandon to God and die to myself; because I know that He is the Resurrection and the Life, and ultimately I will not die, but will be resurrected with Him and will one day see Him face to face. Oh God, how I ache for that day! Lord have mercy! And even so Lord Jesus, come quickly!
“…For now we see in a mirror dimly; but then, face to face.” ~St. Paul the Apostle
“I perceive that you are enthroned in my heart Lord Jesus. It is enough. And I know that you are enthroned in Heaven. Heaven and my heart are one.” ~ Celtic Prayer
“Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. All things are passing. God alone is unchanging. He who has patience wants for nothing. He who has God has all things.God alone suffices.” ~St. Teresa of Avila
“Nobody tells you when you get born here, how much you’ll come to love it but how you’ll never belong here. So I’ll call you my country, and I’ll be lonely for my home, but I wish that I could take you there with me…” ~ Rich Mullins, “Land of my Sojourn”
“Innocence gets ripped away before you ever get a chance to make it a friend, and you’re left with all your ‘might of been’s’; But you catch just a glimpse of it now and then. It’s never what you expect it’ll be, but the taste you don’t easily forget; and though I ache to get back again I know I’m not there yet…though I can taste it…” ~L.S., “Cast No Shadow”
“…And I know it aches, and your heart it breaks, and you can only take so much; walk on. Home…hard to know where it is if you’ve never had one. Home…I can’t say where it is, but I know I’m going home; that’s where the hurt is. And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much…walk on.” ~U2, “Walk On”
Well, once again, Janna and I have moved, and this time it’s back to Nap-town, or Indianapolis to the layman. Yeah, it’s been an excellent time away. The Lord has blessed us beyond our wildest hopes with time away to contemplate what He asks of us, and simply given us time to become one as a couple and take a break from city life. However, it’s home to Indy and St. John’s again. Janna’s maternal grandmother is in poor health, and my brother Jon and his wife Allison are having the first grandbaby in September, so we were feeling the pull to be home again. We miss our dear friends Eric & Carrie with whom we lived for nearly 4 months, and sometimes wonder what’s in store for us, but are happy to be home again. Janna has found employment, and I am currently looking for that perfect job that will pay well, and allow me time to continue my service to the Church through our camp programs…ahhh…what would that look like? Anyway…the sights, the sounds, and the smells of West Indy; both good and bad, there is truly nothing like stepping into your home parish and catching the scent of amber and myrrh wafting through the air, and you remember the smell of prayer, and breathe deep the breath of God. Life is good, and God is truly Good Himself. May He show us His path, and above all, teach us to love here and now; in this world He has placed us.
Joel Thomas, owner of “Analysis Analyzed” posted a comment to my copy of Alana’s post, and when I began replying to it, it appeared obvious to me that I needed to just make a post out of the reply. So here it is…
Joel says, “Definitely a great post by Alana. Was it the fact that it reminded you of Indy that struck home with you?”
And my reply…
Yeah, that’s mainly it, although it hit something much deeper in me as well. Our year away has been a blessing in so many ways, even in that sometimes “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Despite its obvious problems and blemishes, West Indy is also an outpost of people who are a part of that remnant of Ancient Christianity and a shining beacon of light in a dark place. This, more than anything else, is what Alana’s post reminded me of; that often times it is easy for me to forget that I/we as Christians and Believers in the Most High God are called to be a Light in dark places. Shoot, my own name means precisely that, (although sometimes I’d rather it not.) Rich Mullins always said that “Christianity is not about building a perfect little niche in the world, with your perfect little house, and your perfect little kids, where there are no poor people, gays, or minorities anywhere around you.” Unfortunately, the Lie that “it” matters permeates even the heart of the Church and it is so easy to get caught up in the “stuff” of this world…buying it, having it, possesing all that we can. And for what? To prove to ourselves or to others that we are just as good? Just as wealthy? Just as successful? Just as influential and powerful? As if it matters to the God of Heaven and Earth where I buy my jeans, or what kind of car I drive, or what subdivision I live in. Even the “Christian Counterculture” with all of its marketing materials, bracelets, bibles, and “Praise Craze” is nothing more than another facet of the Lie and buying into it. (So as not to beat a dead horse, I won’t say any more about that.) Alana said in a beautiful way so much of what I needed to be reminded of, and perhaps what we all need to be reminded of at times; that “it” doesn’t matter…that my “comfort” is not what is most important.
Our Camp theme this year so perfectly fits this discussion, and is a good reminder about what matters. We are taking it from Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Of course, the precursor to this verse is the Beatitudes themselves, and as a sub-theme and application verses, we are using James 1:22-27,
“Do not deceive yourselves by just listening to his word; instead, put it into practice. 23 If you listen to the word, but do not put it into practice you are like people who look in a mirror and see themselves as they are. 24 They take a good look at themselves and then go away and at once forget what they look like. 25 But if you look closely into the perfect law that sets people free, and keep on paying attention to it and do not simply listen and then forget it, but put it into practice—you will be blessed by God in what you do. 26 Do any of you think you are religious? If you do not control your tongue, your religion is worthless and you deceive yourself. 27 What God the Father considers to be pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world.”
Perhaps if I spent as much time helping widows and orphans as I expend trying to “fit” and feel comfortable around those that may look down on me, I wouldn’t forget so easily what I truly “look like” and what truly matters. Indeed, as Alana said so well, “Here is where it fits for me not to fit.” May the Lord have mercy on me and help me to remember.